April 14th, 2013
It’s been about six weeks since I wrote last and that is a very long time for me. I thought about it a few times but I guess I just wasn’t ready to share what I have gone through since the transition of coming home.
This morning at church while I listened to Pastor Mike share the Word and talk about Jonah (Runaway Prophet) I felt tears slowly start running down my cheeks and then more quickly. As he read Jonah 1:1 - 10 I heard how God had called Jonah to “go to Nineveh, that great city, and cry out against it…..” and instead of doing what he was told he went to Joppa and jumped on a ship heading to Tarshish. It wasn’t until they were in a storm did Jonah realize that it was his disobedience that caused the storm in his world.
I am like Jonah - you see when I was still in Mexico I prayed, as did many others, that God would bring the financial support so that I could stay and do the work that I felt called to do with the people that I had come to love. When this didn’t happen an ache started in my heart and I truly couldn’t understand why God would call me away from Mexico and the life I loved. I felt that I was being punished for something, searched my heart and life and honestly couldn’t see what for.
Instead of accepting the fact there is a season (and reason) to everything God calls us to do, I felt ashamed at not being worthy to serve there. I tried to adjust to being back in Canada, found work and busied myself but found my heart unable to share what I was going through because of that shame. This, in turn, left me feeling very alone. When people would ask how I was doing I would only let them see the brave front that I was adjusting to this being “God’s will for my life” while inside my head and heart I was still screaming and asking God “WHY, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!”
So, like Jonah, I too was a fugitive that was running away from God. Oh physically I was doing the right things - going to church, sharing and spending time in the word, as well as trying to live my according to His will BUT in my heart instead of coming back here with the same servant heart - ready to do God’s will here in Canada - I was letting my disappointment harden my heart.
I am thankful to have a Pastor who shares openly and honestly about how our self-righteousness stops grace from flowing into our lives. We need to rely on God at ALL time, to trust and believe He has our best interest at heart (Jeremiah 29).
Healing began today in church as the tears flowed freely down my cheeks and I know now is the time for me to stop running. I am still not sure WHY God called me away from Mexico and the life I loved but I am FINALLY going to trust Him. I now have a peace knowing that in His timing I will be back in Mexico serving Him with the passion He gave me for the people there. For now, I am ready to start looking around at ways to serve Him here in Canada by showing His love to others in a practical way just as I was doing in Mexico.
February 28th, 2013
February 11th, 2013
Lately I have been reading and talking with different friends that are headed back to Mexico for the upcoming Spring season with One Life One Chance and automatically my first thought is so much excitement for them as I think about my journey there and how it has changed my life. When I get home, in my quiet and safe place, it seems to be followed up with “why God, why did you call me home”, and maybe a bit of jealousy for those going (please forgive me God for that as I know that’s not what you want from / for me).
Recently, however, God has humbly reminded me of a very special conversation I had with one of the members of Human Resources when I had come back to Canada for a visit this past October. He had shared what a great need there is in Canada, our own community, for people to reach out and be “home missionaries”. I recall that while I was listening to him it didn’t seem to hit my heart as it was too busy screaming on it’s own that “……….you don’t understand I have tried working with Street Youth, Foster Parenting and various other things here in Canada - I have done my part. I WANT to be in Mexico, I feel CALLED to be in Mexico and I WILL be in Mexico”. Wow, did I ever have the wrong attitude in my heart and God did call me back to Canada.
As I look around I can now see just what this friend was talking about, how God can and will use to me to reach out to others if I will just tune in to Him and allow myself to be used. It may not be as obvious as it was to me in Mexico but when someone sends me an email (three years after the fact) saying “it means a lot to me that you and XXXX were there when everyone else was running the other way. ……….”; you open the door for an elderly neighbour and then realize they are having struggles walking and would probably have gotten caught by the heaviness of the door; a co-worker needs reassurance they are not alone when their family is nowhere to be found; a friend needs a place to stay to get on their feet; a family member needs to know you’re there as they embark on a journey that is new and scary or even in your attitude when you encounter people on a day to day basis. Did you smile, give silly banter back and forth, send a card and let someone know you’re thinking of them, text / email and remind someone how valuable they are to you?! Did your gesture turn their otherwise sad day into something that gave them warmth for just a few minutes? Is all of that not showing them the same love that Christ showed for us?
It’s true - what my friend said - there is a need for more love, empathy, support, encouragement here in Canada than what I wanted to open my eyes and heart to. I find that as a society we are so busy worrying about getting ahead that we are forgetting each other. I believe that if you are called to help others with a pure heart you ARE a missionary right where you are.
I like this explanation of a “Missionary” that I found: A missionary is a person of a particular faith who aims to preach and pray for the people and their country. They help in ways specific to the culture, finding areas that need extra attention and working with the locals to make self-sustaining changes.”
Yes, I may ache for Mexico and wish I was there many times BUT I am going to live and die serving WHEREVER He calls me and right now it’s here in beautiful British Columbia, Canada!
I am indeed a rebel with a cause after all CAN make a difference - one life, one heartbeat, one interaction, one prayer, one change at a time……
February 7th, 2013
Well since I last wrote I have been blessed that all the questions seem to have stopped and I am more able to trust that God that He is control.
I continue to apply for at least 3 jobs per day while working as an Inventory Associate because our busy season is almost over and I will need something else to pick up the financial “slack”. I can feel my physical body getting stronger but could also sense myself becoming more tired both physically and emotionally. I thought maybe it was the stress of worrying about whether I would get enough hours to ensure that my financial obligations are met, my son being off in Quebec for Basic Training with the Military, concerns for my other children and the various things they are going through at this time in their lives or just the lack of time to spend with family and friends.
I can honestly say that I have found myself longing for the days in Mexico where I could go and spend a Tuesday afternoon with the children and the mothers. I missed the hours I was able to spend in Spanish studies. I ached to feel that peace and rest again that only God could supply.
Last night I had the opportunity to have a text “coffee” with a friend of mine and we shared our prayer requests, concerns and life with each other. It wasn’t as good as a face to face visit but it sure did my heart the world of good.
I woke up this morning and took Rufus outside to the bathroom and with a light mist in the air he was full of spunk out there. I found myself smiling at his energy and playfulness. What - a smile at 4:30 a.m. - thank you God for lifting the fog in my head and heart. I then came inside to read my devotions and it all came to me like a flood of relief - - what I am going through is NORMAL!
From: Jesus Calling - Enjoying the Peace in His Presence:
Come to Me for rest and refreshment. The journey has been too much for you, and you are bone-weary. Do not be ashamed of your exhaustion. Instead, see it as an opportunity for Me to take charge of your life.
Remember that I can fit everything into a pattern for good, including the things you wish were different. Start with where you are at this point in time and space, accepting that this is where I intend you to be. You will get through today one step, one moment at a time. Your main responsibility is to remain attentive to Me, letting Me guide you through the many choices along your pathway.
This sounds like an easy assignment, but it is not. Your desire to live in My Presence goes against the grain of “the world, the flesh, and the devil.” Much of your weariness results from your constant battle against those opponents. However, you are on the path of My choosing, so do not give up! Hope in Me, for you will again praise Me for the help of My Presence.
Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Psalm 42:11 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
WOW, God sure met me this morning right where I needed Him and all I had to do was seek Him. No wonder I have been so tired and now I just need to learn to BE STILL AND KNOW HE IS GOD which may mean resting when my body says I am tired, worship when prayers don’t come or just plain talk to Him (or pray) out the things I don’t understand that are on my mind and heart. Seek Him no matter what I am feelingand know that He is listening even if answers don’t come!
Every day is a chance to learn new things with our AWESOME God!
footnote: After writing this blog I went on line to pay my bills„ as it’s pay day. Well, not only did God supply enough for me to pay my bills, there was a bit more than budgeted! He rocks!!!!
February 1st, 2013
This morning I woke up with the realization that it was a work day. I am not going to complain about working 6 days a week because, at minimum wage, that’s what I need to do in order to ensure my financial obligations are met. Don’t get me wrong, they are not all 8 hour days, I love the work, the people I work with and I don’t mind working hard but I have days where work and sleep are all I feel like I am doing. I have applied for MANY jobs in the past two months since being home and I wait to hear answers. So………… from my first paragraph I am sure you can tell where this is heading today.
Why God would you call me from a career where I was making good money (but wasn’t doing good spiritually, physically or emotionally at the time) to go to Mexico (my dream of a lifetime work) and then be called home again to live like this?!?!
NOTE: There has NEVER been a doubt in my mind that He called me from that career to Mexico nor that I was called home again.
Is there something in my life that is not pleasing to you? Show me if there is as I am willing to do anything you want me to. I know you love me but I don’t understand why I can’t hear you right now and I really want to know how to do better than just “hang on”. I want to feel the passion, fire, energy and love for life here at home that I felt when I was in Mexico. I desire to be so in love with you that I wake up with a smile in my heart and yet instead I wake up with questions about finances,my future and incredible sense of loneliness. Oh Father, show me what it is you’re trying to tell me, help me to trust when I can’t hear you and above all - give me the desire to keep turning to your word for answers, courage to keep going with the zest for life that only you can bring and allow me to be a walking billboard of all your love and faithfulness can do in uncertain times.
Yes, I am being completely honest, open and it’s not easy admitting your struggling but that was the way I woke up this morning.
I picked up my devotional book “Jesus Calling - Enjoying Peace in His Presence” and this is what I read:
Follow ME one step at a time. That is all I require of you. In fact, that is the only way to move through this space/time world. You see huge mountains looming, and you start wondering how you’re going to scale those heights. Meanwhile, because you’re not looking where you’re going, you stumble on the easy path where I am leading you now. As I help you get back on your feet, you tell Me how worried you are about the cliffs up ahead. But you don’t know what will happen today, much less tomorrow. Our path may take an abrupt turn, leading you away from those mountains. There may be an easier way up the mountains than is visible from this distance. If I do lead you up cliffs, I will equip you thoroughly for that strenuous climb, I will even give My angels charge over you, to preserve you in all your ways.
Keep your mind on the present journey, enjoying My Presence. Walk by faith, not by sight, trusting Me to open up the way before you.
Did I say I couldn’t hear God - oops - I hear Him now - one step at a time……….